Ramblings -HE Loves me, even if he loves me not!

****This is meant to encourage others that they are not alone. NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! This meandering is simply a glance from one perspective. Trust God!
Also, this intended neither as judgement nor insult to anyone.
I do NOT apologize for my faith or claims in Jesus Christ.
No one should endure an abusive relationship. Please seek help if that is your situation.

………………………..
So often she finds herself
Wanting to go
Run away

Until She has reached the end
Of what, only God knows
A fairy tale?
A nightmare?
To where?

She cannot imagine
CAN she escape
Herself

The one she loves has left her
Oh, he resides in the same domicile
He breathes the same air, although from a brutal distance
He goes to work
Which she tells him is both appreciated and recognized

He’s an emotional ghost
Emptiness suffocates her
Every iron gate he built between them
He padlocks to hold her at bay
Isolated from him
As though she could cross the chasm between them
Her soul is scraped and scarred, attempting to scale
The barbed wire nestling his heart

Oh she is encouraged to do anything She wants any time anywhere
Whatever tangible he can afford, he certainly seems more than willing to
Allow her

She can ask for him to give ANYTHING
BUT himself
Off limits
Out of the question
No interest whatsoever

Her lips long for passionate kisses
A matter irrelevant to him

Day and night when they were apart
When he worked in one state and she lived alone in another
She dreamed of being with him again
Just to be able to hold him
For him to kiss her each day before he went to work
For him to have missed her so desperately
He would eagerly come home to enjoy the presence of his wife once more
Capturing chances at unrealized fantasies

No, day after day, night after night
She watched moments vanish into years
Each passed into lonesome oblivion
Gone, lost forever in wasted capsules of time

Nevertheless he watches, silently and acutely aware
Of the damage his indifference inflicts
Seeming to grow like a malignant tumor
Fed by the pain gnawing within her

Does he know how she feels?
What she thinks?
What she longs to give ?
And needs to receive?
Oh yes!

Time and time again
She talks
Writes
With every ounce of articulate ability she possesses
She cries out

Does it work?
Does she then GET what she hopes, wants, needs?

If so, merely a bittersweet agreement to comply
A basic obligation
Perhaps a mild sense of pity even at times
But completely disconnected and void of emotion
No connection, lest she feel misled into considering
Herself a part of him or special in some way

Will she ever know again what it is like to be
Desired
Admired
Respected
Accepted

“Don’t ask ” is his mantra
Claiming he never gets an opportunity for spontaneous showers of affection
Due to her lack of patience, of course.. It falls to her somehow..typical projection of responsibility
Denial of ownership ends at the THRONE, though!
No more will she or anyone else, be there to field his reasoning

He insists it falls on her inability to keep silent, she does
Possibly not as long as it seems to her
Manifesting sleepless nights
Bitterness and depression
When will the punishment end..
The coldness

Now a shift from rejection to ignoring
How long must she pay the cost of being..her?
She cannot be anyone else, although she has lost so much of who she was
Attempting to discover what it was he wanted, needed, craved
All to no avail

Finally she breaks
In annoyance and gross disdain, she is asked
“Why are you “Or “quit crying”
He walks away or falls into peaceful slumber as she hugs a pillow
She sobs and prays, grieving, until
Her tears subside or exhaustion drags her to sleep.

His compassion is overwhelming..non-existent when it comes to her
How much more hatred could one show, even to an adversary than this?
Her heart, head and spirit, spiral into a waiting grave of despair
He rests deliberately and soundly as she mourns the denial to honor her vows as his wife

“Quit trying so hard ” he tells her
Hoping for her to go away, even for good if she would be so willing

QUIT? She has no understanding of that concept
And she refuses to concede, perhaps
Seemingly, even to her own detriment
Although to him, he admitted
Bravery is more about leaving
Than the courage and conviction it takes to stay

Woe to a loveless marriage
Is it designed to be a relationship
Built upon giving and receiving
The willingness and opportunity for both
This is scant more than a casual acquaintance

Two bodies, one flesh
She knows God says She is beautiful
The relationship, (although seldom can she stomach calling something in such a devastated state a “marriage”)
Has been bathed in prayer
Again and again and again

She knows miracles happen
She understands relationships are restored
Although where she stands
In front of a mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological mirrors
The situation looks bleak

The shards of her broken heart
Struggle for a reason to beat
Her mind yearns to deadbolt any memories of happiness
To forget what she has lost
Or only thought she ever had
Was the entire union her imagination
In her mind, she tried to put the puzzle together
Searching frantically for a corner piece
A time they were happy
A time she was more than enough
Her throat tightened as she realized that her life was no more than a hologram, void of any substance whatsoever

She trusts God
Although rambling, it may not seem as much
But listen, she pleas,
He is the Only reason she can face the future
And this is what she must tell herself every day

Even if she stays as one who only evidences being
A wife by a ring on the finger
Or a woman by simple anatomy

Until her last breath
At least then
When she leaves this world
She will be at peace

Her vows remain in tact
Through the strength God has given her
In darkest hours of temptation

There are many things she will answer for
When she stands before God
But she cannot believe He will ask
Why she not do all she could
With that she can put down anxieties and frustrations
And hopefully get some rest

The Name of The Lord is a Strong Tower, the righteous run into it and are safe.

Lord,
Please protect me from anything intended to do us harm
Please give us faith in your ability to restore
God, You are far more powerful than any wicked strongholds in this or any marriage
We give our relationships to you, Father
Let us trust that You are working, even if and when we do not see evidence outwardly
Please give us courage and perseverance.
Lord, the desire of our hearts is to have a godly marriage
Your opinion of us is what matters!
We are Yours and You are ours
We never need to question or wonder or ask if You love us!
You died for us
One day You will call us HOME
Until it is time for us to leave this place, we take hold of Your promise to stay close to the broken hearted.
We pray for anyone else feeling this pain of loss and rejection.
Whatever our circumstance, though, YOU are God and You ARE in control.
Through the Power of the Risen Lamb, Jesus Christ,
Amen
Sent from my iPad

B

About voicevessel bwc

First, and most importantly, I love Jesus Christ and I trust in Him as my Lord and Savior. I was raised in a Christian home by a godly dad and mom (who planned and had me in July before turning 42 in August), and 5 older siblings. My father passed away when I was 7 and my mother (who went to be with the Lord in 2005 at 81) never remarried. As a child, I was bullied at school, so I did not have many friends. I didn't want to tell my mom this because I knew she had enough worry being a widow at 50. I know what it is like to be lonely. As an adult, God showed me the value of His Friendship and has blessed me, too, with rich relationships with dear friends who also love the Lord. My husband and I (married 31 years as of 2020), have three wonderful, adult children and son-in-law as well as three darling grandchildren. Along with many others, my husband lost his job, but we refuse to be fearful or angry. The Lord has provided for us and we are so thankful for the opportunity to express gratitude through personal contact and occasional memories I share through writing. I believe the Lord has given me a venue to engage with others and a means to share His Word. Thank you for checking out my page. I hope you enjoy what you read. If there is anything positive or insightful in the devotionals (NOT CALLING MY WRITING "INSPIRED" by any means!), I give all credit and glory to Jesus Christ! On the other side of that, when something makes no sense, that's all me
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