Dismayed, Disheartened Christian Wife~Loneliness And Trying To Understand God

The mockery still echoes in her mind and through her heart
As she passed through the halls or sat in class
The other students stuck out their bottom teeth, chanting her name
Laughing and making fun of her underbite
She could not turn to the teachers for refuge, as she noticed they too snickered and grinned at the cruelty
This was at a “Christian” school
The elementary classes before that were also Bible -based, yet there was no compassion from the instructors for a little girl who just lost her father

Throughout school, she didn’t really belong anywhere
Academically, others discouraged her
No talent or skill was encouraged oracknowledged
She was the youngest of six
Each one of them were accomplished
She was… Invisible

Socially, She was not asked out on dates. The only memorable encounters she had with boys were miserable.

Once in 6th grade, someone walked her home, but he told her not to say anything because he was too embarrassed
Middle school boy, looking back, stupidity and tact was not embraced

Secondly, the 11th grade, she asked a boy (a junior groomsman In her sister’s wedding) to attend a Sadie Hawkin’s Dance, permissive for the girl to ask.
He actually agreed! Her mom, a widow who worked hard and lived on her father’s social security and whatever income she made, babysitting and being a teacher’s assistant, bought her dress and shoes then whatever else for the big dance.

The night before, the guy called and told her he had “forgotten” someone else asked him first, so he broke the date. Later she discovered this other person was her cousin, a cheerleader at the high school.

Third, in high school, a group of the teenagers went to a lake house where she seemed to attract someone that day. He was nice and attentive, but before they went home he told her not to mention anything to anyone because prom was coming up and he did not want to anger his girlfriend!

She got married at 22, thinking that she finally discovered someone who found her and her alone, attractive and desirable. After 20 years of marriage, she found that he was in contact with his old girlfriend their entire married life. He kept it a secret because she just would not have understood. She read on social media, private messaged telling her how hot the girlfriend still was “after all these years”.

One beautiful day in October, a few years ago, She was riding home, convertible top down, listening to a female dj talk about being married exactly 20 1/2 years to the day. She started doing the math, and she was at precisely the same juncture. She called my husband’s cell phone to tell him they needed to go out that night to celebrate.

At the time, he had a work and personal cell. When she called, he answered but did not say anything to her. She heard him telling someone that he heard two songs that made him think of them, so she thought he was talking to one of their daughters. Since She was driving, the phone was still up to her ear and She called out his name but he did not hear or ignored it.

Through a direction the conversation turned, he mentioned someone their daughter would have known. She discovered, it was not their daughter, but his old girlfriend he was talking to at the time.

Disturbed and shaken, she hung up and called that number but he did not answer. She called back his other phone, it picked up again where She could hear him still talking to her.

When she reached the house, , she called his work cell and heard him laugh and tell the other woman that his wife was trying to call but at least on the phone he could “get away with” ignoring her.

She doesn’t know what to do. She is not employed, not educated nor possess skills. He can be charming and nice. If she wanted an ice cream at 9 pm, he would gladly go, but he is completely emotionally disconnected. At church, he holds her hand, but if she dare expresses a need for intimacy, he screams at her, cruelly as she cries. If she wants closeness, he pretends not to understand.

He ignores the fact that she indeed is the same person who was ignored. He attributes causes for his disengagement to health, yet when he was and if his health is restored, it would be no different, he would either seek out someone else or retreat to other means, it will never be her.

Her pursues solitude and neglects to consider the dire loneliness and anguish a woman experiences who so desperately craves to be what God intended.

She reaches out to God, yet remains empty. She reached out to friends and counselors, but what can they do? So she talks to him, the only one who could work with her toward resolve and restoration and gets nowhere. She reaches to the point of begging her Father to please rescue and take her Home, yet she wakes to exist another day, to sob in desperate frustration once more.

Her heart aches. She fights a will having little yearning to go on, yet she knows there must be a reason she has not been invited Home yet.

How many more nights does she wait? When he screams, she accepts it by staying, yet she has nowhere to go~so she is telling her heart and telling him that it is okay to treat her with such disregard..

Does she continue to be neglected? How does she find comfor? What warmth and intimacy are covered in knowledge of vengeance is the Lord’s? She doesn’t want that, she just yearns to be a wife and day after day is dismayed and fails to understand why The Lord will not permit a desire she accepted as part of the marriage covenant.

About voicevessel bwc

First, and most importantly, I love Jesus Christ and I trust in Him as my Lord and Savior. I was raised in a Christian home by a godly dad and mom (who planned and had me in July before turning 42 in August), and 5 older siblings. My father passed away when I was 7 and my mother (who went to be with the Lord in 2005 at 81) never remarried. As a child, I was bullied at school, so I did not have many friends. I didn't want to tell my mom this because I knew she had enough worry being a widow at 50. I know what it is like to be lonely. As an adult, God showed me the value of His Friendship and has blessed me, too, with rich relationships with dear friends who also love the Lord. My husband and I (married 31 years as of 2020), have three wonderful, adult children and son-in-law as well as three darling grandchildren. Along with many others, my husband lost his job, but we refuse to be fearful or angry. The Lord has provided for us and we are so thankful for the opportunity to express gratitude through personal contact and occasional memories I share through writing. I believe the Lord has given me a venue to engage with others and a means to share His Word. Thank you for checking out my page. I hope you enjoy what you read. If there is anything positive or insightful in the devotionals (NOT CALLING MY WRITING "INSPIRED" by any means!), I give all credit and glory to Jesus Christ! On the other side of that, when something makes no sense, that's all me
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